Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Girls are superheros, just like her
From:________________________
Sent: 04 April 2010 17: 37PM
To: knowyourmats@hotmail.com
I apologise for the long post coming up but I needed somewhere to channel my thoughts and feelings. And I thought that this might help me to shake this excess baggage off my life and to give a heads up to other ladies out there not to totally trust a guy no matter how different from the others he portrayed himself to be.
I had just broken up from a 4 year relationship last year. It was a bittersweet ending for me as it was a mutual decision since both families couldn't really accept us. Upon regaining my freedom, I started to get back into night life to while away my weekends.
On a particular night out, a guy friend offered to party together. A harmless night out, so why not, I thought. This guy is actually a friend from someone from my past. The day after the party, we went out again for dinner and to chill by the Riverside. We opened up to each other about our lives and such. And then we started going out every single weekend since he's still in NS and only gets to book out then. He'd even fetch me if I were to go for my night life without him. Slowly but surely, the feelings were already starting to develop.
The day when we confessed our feelings for each other, he told me he liked my ways, the way I am, the way I perceive things. But he was unsure that someone like me would fall for him, would ever want him. He claimed that someone my age (I'm 2 years older than him, by the way), with looks and brains would only go for guys who are good looking, has a stable job, and of course, older than myself. But I told him that no one can predict when it comes to matters of the heart even though I admit that after going through a break up, I wasn't looking for any relationship at all. Until he came by. He told me that neither was he, or at least, he only goes for flings during his NS period since he said that no girl will endure a relationship when the guy couldn't even spend time for her. He got kinda insecure and kept asking me if I'll leave him because of the lack of attention. Time and again, I replied 'no' since I'm busy working on weekdays too. But just as long as he devotes as much of his weekends to me.
Since then, I had always looked forward to Fridays when he could book out and we'll spend time together. We didn't make it official that we're in a relationship but that's what we were to each other; a couple. Although he did mention that he wanted us to be official. Gut feelings told me to tell him that I just wasn't ready to commit. But he was the only one that I was seeing and contacting. And he told me that he understood and he knows that that day will come and no matter when, he wanted us to go on for as long as possible; and to give him 3 years to stabilise himself for my hand in marriage. He went all out to make me happy, didn't advanced on me sexually and all the other things which other guys always do. Our only physical contact was hugs and pecks on cheeks. Sweet, gentlemanly, different; my initial thought.
Until this particular week when the way he texted me was so different, so distant. No more loving messages, if there was even any message at all. During that same week, I was worried sick of my dad's health condition. Told him about it and he promised that he'll give me the tightest and longest hug when he meet me on that Friday. Imagine how much I was looking forward to that. And then, imagine my utter disappointment when I received his text informing me that he'll only get to book out the next day. However, my gut feelings told me that something was up, and that he was lyying. So I called him that night but he didn't answer any of my calls nor reply to my texts til the next day. His excuse was that he fell asleep.
My last text to him for that night was: "You know I hate liars. Kindly cook up a good story to back your ass up."
And I waited til the day he'll give me a proper explanation.
That Sunday night, we were talking on the phone when his voice changed. He said that he was feeling guilt ridden and had a confession to make but was afraid that I would leave him. And that confession which he made shattered me.
Him : Actually, I book out on Friday lepas.
Me : I know.
Him : Huh? How you know?
Me : Gut feeling. (Already know what was going to come up next.) Beh, jumpa siapa?
Him : Er, I jumpa ex I.
Me : And..?
Him : Er, and.. Something happened.
Me : Oh. (Silent for some time.) ... And..?
Him : And ape? Something happened lah and I feel guilty. Actually I taknak bilang you pasal takut you tinggalkan I tapi I taknak keep any secrets from you. So lau you nak tinggalkan I, I faham. But I'm sorry.
Me : Why are you sorry for? Obviously I meant nothing to you at all, which is why this happened in the first place.
Him : You do mean something, that's why I feel guilty. But this incident happened because I wanted sex. That's all. My ex tu pon bahan pakai je.
What a conversation aye? At this point of time, I didn't feel anger. But utter disappointment. And sorry. For him, for me and for that girl. And so the conversation continued as follows:
Me : So what the F*** do you want from me, and out of us now?
Him : I want a long and meaningful relationship with you.
Me : And what do you intend to do to at least rectify this problem?
Him : No plans. But I swear I won't do it again. But I sayangkan you sangat tu pasal I tak ask for sex from you. I taknak you think of me in a negative way.
Me : And I don't think negatively when you lied to me? When you went behind my back and have sex with your ex?!
And then I had that internal conflict within myself. I can't entirely blame him, we were not official. Technically, he was still free and single. But on the other hand, he told me that I was the only one he was contacting and meeting every week. And the fact that he lied about his book out date. It's also not fair that he should be doing that to me when it didn't even come across my mind to ever cheat on him.
So I gave him another chance. Only to get into another turmoil when his post invited this other girl to comment something about he should have consulted her before posting a wall post announcing that he wanted to change his bike. I mean, why should he consult anyone about his own bike? My antenna went up and picked up a negative vibe. And then his latest wall post on FB was: "I miss her but I hate her more." To which he confessed, was about a girl from his past who hurt him deeply but has came back into existence.
Crying, I told him to just go back to her. Since he obviously was thinking of her, and was contacting her. (Behind my back, I presume.) But he said he missed her but won't go back to her. And that all he wanted from the point of knowing me was me.
Somehow, I feel that no matter if he does go back to her or not, I still have to let go. I can't and won't deny that I love him but within a short time, he had hurt me in so many ways by just two incidents. I can't afford to go through another heartbreak. Thank God for my gut feeling. I just hope I'm strong enough to face weekends without him around anymore. Just as I thought I was picking up my broken pieces of my life, he came by to shatter it all over again.
And now, I'm really wary of guys. I'm too drained emotionally and mentally to layan karena diorang lagi.
TMS OWNER: Well darling, if you did read my entry about gut feelings, im sure you will feel alright. I did teach you readers how to trust your gut feeling. And if a guy whom you are dating is willing enough to call his ex up just to have sex with the ex-gf, be a lot more wary, coz you wouldn't know if you'll be the next one he will be calling up just to fufill his sex desire. Hugs!
XOXO,
typicalMATsays Owner
peluk cium peluk cium ¶ 7:17:00 PM
Sent: 04 April 2010 17: 37PM
To: knowyourmats@hotmail.com
I apologise for the long post coming up but I needed somewhere to channel my thoughts and feelings. And I thought that this might help me to shake this excess baggage off my life and to give a heads up to other ladies out there not to totally trust a guy no matter how different from the others he portrayed himself to be.
I had just broken up from a 4 year relationship last year. It was a bittersweet ending for me as it was a mutual decision since both families couldn't really accept us. Upon regaining my freedom, I started to get back into night life to while away my weekends.
On a particular night out, a guy friend offered to party together. A harmless night out, so why not, I thought. This guy is actually a friend from someone from my past. The day after the party, we went out again for dinner and to chill by the Riverside. We opened up to each other about our lives and such. And then we started going out every single weekend since he's still in NS and only gets to book out then. He'd even fetch me if I were to go for my night life without him. Slowly but surely, the feelings were already starting to develop.
The day when we confessed our feelings for each other, he told me he liked my ways, the way I am, the way I perceive things. But he was unsure that someone like me would fall for him, would ever want him. He claimed that someone my age (I'm 2 years older than him, by the way), with looks and brains would only go for guys who are good looking, has a stable job, and of course, older than myself. But I told him that no one can predict when it comes to matters of the heart even though I admit that after going through a break up, I wasn't looking for any relationship at all. Until he came by. He told me that neither was he, or at least, he only goes for flings during his NS period since he said that no girl will endure a relationship when the guy couldn't even spend time for her. He got kinda insecure and kept asking me if I'll leave him because of the lack of attention. Time and again, I replied 'no' since I'm busy working on weekdays too. But just as long as he devotes as much of his weekends to me.
Since then, I had always looked forward to Fridays when he could book out and we'll spend time together. We didn't make it official that we're in a relationship but that's what we were to each other; a couple. Although he did mention that he wanted us to be official. Gut feelings told me to tell him that I just wasn't ready to commit. But he was the only one that I was seeing and contacting. And he told me that he understood and he knows that that day will come and no matter when, he wanted us to go on for as long as possible; and to give him 3 years to stabilise himself for my hand in marriage. He went all out to make me happy, didn't advanced on me sexually and all the other things which other guys always do. Our only physical contact was hugs and pecks on cheeks. Sweet, gentlemanly, different; my initial thought.
Until this particular week when the way he texted me was so different, so distant. No more loving messages, if there was even any message at all. During that same week, I was worried sick of my dad's health condition. Told him about it and he promised that he'll give me the tightest and longest hug when he meet me on that Friday. Imagine how much I was looking forward to that. And then, imagine my utter disappointment when I received his text informing me that he'll only get to book out the next day. However, my gut feelings told me that something was up, and that he was lyying. So I called him that night but he didn't answer any of my calls nor reply to my texts til the next day. His excuse was that he fell asleep.
My last text to him for that night was: "You know I hate liars. Kindly cook up a good story to back your ass up."
And I waited til the day he'll give me a proper explanation.
That Sunday night, we were talking on the phone when his voice changed. He said that he was feeling guilt ridden and had a confession to make but was afraid that I would leave him. And that confession which he made shattered me.
Him : Actually, I book out on Friday lepas.
Me : I know.
Him : Huh? How you know?
Me : Gut feeling. (Already know what was going to come up next.) Beh, jumpa siapa?
Him : Er, I jumpa ex I.
Me : And..?
Him : Er, and.. Something happened.
Me : Oh. (Silent for some time.) ... And..?
Him : And ape? Something happened lah and I feel guilty. Actually I taknak bilang you pasal takut you tinggalkan I tapi I taknak keep any secrets from you. So lau you nak tinggalkan I, I faham. But I'm sorry.
Me : Why are you sorry for? Obviously I meant nothing to you at all, which is why this happened in the first place.
Him : You do mean something, that's why I feel guilty. But this incident happened because I wanted sex. That's all. My ex tu pon bahan pakai je.
What a conversation aye? At this point of time, I didn't feel anger. But utter disappointment. And sorry. For him, for me and for that girl. And so the conversation continued as follows:
Me : So what the F*** do you want from me, and out of us now?
Him : I want a long and meaningful relationship with you.
Me : And what do you intend to do to at least rectify this problem?
Him : No plans. But I swear I won't do it again. But I sayangkan you sangat tu pasal I tak ask for sex from you. I taknak you think of me in a negative way.
Me : And I don't think negatively when you lied to me? When you went behind my back and have sex with your ex?!
And then I had that internal conflict within myself. I can't entirely blame him, we were not official. Technically, he was still free and single. But on the other hand, he told me that I was the only one he was contacting and meeting every week. And the fact that he lied about his book out date. It's also not fair that he should be doing that to me when it didn't even come across my mind to ever cheat on him.
So I gave him another chance. Only to get into another turmoil when his post invited this other girl to comment something about he should have consulted her before posting a wall post announcing that he wanted to change his bike. I mean, why should he consult anyone about his own bike? My antenna went up and picked up a negative vibe. And then his latest wall post on FB was: "I miss her but I hate her more." To which he confessed, was about a girl from his past who hurt him deeply but has came back into existence.
Crying, I told him to just go back to her. Since he obviously was thinking of her, and was contacting her. (Behind my back, I presume.) But he said he missed her but won't go back to her. And that all he wanted from the point of knowing me was me.
Somehow, I feel that no matter if he does go back to her or not, I still have to let go. I can't and won't deny that I love him but within a short time, he had hurt me in so many ways by just two incidents. I can't afford to go through another heartbreak. Thank God for my gut feeling. I just hope I'm strong enough to face weekends without him around anymore. Just as I thought I was picking up my broken pieces of my life, he came by to shatter it all over again.
And now, I'm really wary of guys. I'm too drained emotionally and mentally to layan karena diorang lagi.
TMS OWNER: Well darling, if you did read my entry about gut feelings, im sure you will feel alright. I did teach you readers how to trust your gut feeling. And if a guy whom you are dating is willing enough to call his ex up just to have sex with the ex-gf, be a lot more wary, coz you wouldn't know if you'll be the next one he will be calling up just to fufill his sex desire. Hugs!
XOXO,
typicalMATsays Owner
peluk cium peluk cium ¶ 7:17:00 PM
Post a Comment